Category: Jenni’s Ramblings

This is it.

This is the day that I finally go out of my ever-lovin’ mind.

The phone keeps ringing and every single call is something else for me to do – more paperwork or signatures for the house, someone to pick up… etc.

I just realized that I packed some important house papers when I wasn’t really paying attention.

The house is such a mess that I can’t even pack anything until I clean it up but half of the stuff has already been packed anyway.

I need drugs. And Chocolate. In large quantities. Now, please.

Calgon? Are you there, Calgon?

Sleep Trouble

The past few nights I have been waking up and sitting bolt upright in a panic, convinced that Lily is about to crawl off the edge of the bed. I frantically feel around the blankets only to discover that she is sleeping peacefully either in the pack and play or right next to me.

It finally occurred to me this morning at 4am when it happened again what this is all about.

Paisley is in the process of moving out.

It is not my youngest daughter that I am hunting for frantically in my half-sleep, but my oldest. This wide span of milestones has finally just fried my brain.

As of right now I have one child moving out, one learning to drive, one who is newly a teenager, a couple in normal childhood, one who is potty training, and one who is learning to walk and becoming more mobile all the time. No wonder my sleep is disturbed!

It began with mozzarella

My Graduate
When I was pregnant with Paisley, I craved mozzarella sticks from Denny’s all the time. As we drove away from her graduation, we stopped at Denny’s again and had a nice round of them with Posy and Ben and I thought, how fitting, to finish off Paisley’s childhood in a similar way to how it began, with mozzarella sticks.

The busyness of the last few months has kept me from really focusing on the hugeness of the changes that are afoot. There has been the usual Spring craziness of Lent and Easter, and there has been the rush to finish up college and financial aid applications and a little bit of surliness left to assert who is an adult and who is not. I kept getting a glimpse of what I was going to have to face – that my oldest child is… nah, I can’t say it yet – I haven’t had time to process any of what was going on.

Last Wednesday was the Baccalaureate mass for her class. They have been together to celebrate mass over the last few years so many times and now this was it for them. They left with a song about praying for each other and it left me wondering what things will be like for each of them when they come back for a reunion ten years from now. That mass was very special and showed me that all that sacrifice for tuition was well worth it. (When asked, Paisley’s take on it was that it was cheesy and lame, but I think it meant more to her than she was willing to say.) At one point I got all teary eyed and worried that I might become a quivering puddle of tears, but Jay’s mom fixed that by leaning over and whispering that one of the girls looked trashy. That was it, my tears were gone as I stifled a laugh.

Then Thursday was the graduation. It was hot in the church and the speeches were hard to hear, but it was amazing to seem my little girl, a high school student no more. Just that morning she had attended her Freshman Orientation for college. She graciously posed for pictures afterwards and then went off with her friends. I felt so happy for her, but so sad that my little girl was… nah, I still can’t say it.

I am grappling with the reality that one of my children is moving on to the next stage of life. Just when I was kind of getting the hang of having teenagers, THIS comes along. I remember being pregnant with her. It seemed like that first pregnancy would last a lifetime, I just couldn’t really imagine having a real baby to care for all the time. It was a totally alien experience and I wouldn’t know what it was about until I was there. Now here I am at the bridge to adulthood for her, feeling the same way. I can’t even imagine what it might be like to have one of my children grown, no longer under my roof. I know I will be her mother forever, and my job as a meddling, annoying, bossy, parent is still in full force, but it seems there has been another umbilical cord to sever. And it hurts.

This time is full of joy and tragedy, pain and excitement all at once. I am sure there will be more to discover as the summer moves on.

Cinderella Before the Ball

Whenever we have an event to go to, I always feel like Cinderella before the ball. There are a million things to be done and I need to get everyone else presentable first. By the time I am done with that I run into the bathroom and finally get a look at myself.

I look like the ugly stepsisters ripped me apart.

My hair is mussed up, I have graham cracker goobers and snot all over my shirt, and there is very little left of whatever makeup I managed to put on in the morning. Oh, and I stink too by this time. Sigh.

So I start trying to piece myself together as fast as I can. A quick spritz with body spray and new deodorant, clean clothes, touch up the makeup, my hair will just have to get re-pony-tailed. I have this fantasy of getting to actually style my hair one of these days But it only happens every couple of months or so. By this time the natives are getting restless and I need to make a run for it. I head out the door one more time looking like somebody’s mommy who threw herself together, which is entirely true.

Glamour is something that comes with a Fairy Godmother I suppose. (And not having to get a bunch of kids ready as well.)

Laundry Nightmare

Laundry is just be bane of my existence. The sorting and washing is not so bad, but I can NOT keep up with the folding right now. Lily wants me to be in sight of her at all times and I just can’t find the time to keep up with the folding of what I have washed.

After folding about half of what I needed to get done last night I gave up and made dinner. Time was running out on a busy evening and dinner held priority. The uniforms were clean so that was all that really mattered.

Last night, after falling into bed completely exhausted, I had a laundry dream. My entire house was covered in piles of laundry. Huge piles. There was even one on my stair well that was easily 15 feet high. You couldn’t step anywhere in the house without stepping on a laundry pile. So I thought to myself (in my dream) “I’ll just really have to stuff the washer full.”

Now I have been trying to wash slightly smaller loads since pant legs always get all tangled in my front loader (Whirlpool Duet, how I love thee…) but this was a laundry emergency. It could only happen in a dream, but I got ALL that laundry done in two loads. Thank goodness I woke up before I had to fold it all!

Field Trip

Today was a lovely day for a field trip. I dropped Max off with his Nina (Godmother) and Lily and I went to join Tessa’s kindergarten class at the science center.

But a simple trip is never nearly as easy as it sounds. Halfway there I realized that I had no cash and was going to have to park downtown. I called Jay, the Human Map of Phoenix and asked him where the nearest bank was. Money, check. On to the parking garage.

We drive a large vehicle. A very large vehicle. We drive a Ford 15 passenger van (with the back bench taken out to make room for multitudes of stuff) and it is very tall. I am not sure how tall, but I know that I have squeezed into parking garages that said 6 feet 10 inches and have hit the bar in ones that say 6 feet 6 inches. I have been to the Science Center many, many times. They have a nice parking garage that the van fits in and, when you get your ticket validated at the science center, it only cost $1 to park. Not too bad! But today when I pulled in to park in that garage, the bar said 6 feet 6 inches. WHY ON EARTH would they lower the allowed car height? I know my van can fit in there, but now it won’t fit under their stupid bar at the entrance.

This is the SECOND time this has happened to me this year. Just a few weeks ago I had to take Max to a specialist appointment at Phoenix Children’s Hospital. I have parked in their garage a dozen times at least but they had changed their allowed height and put a bar in the entrance that measured 6 feet 6 inches. In fact, that is where I learned that I couldn’t fit under it. Shh, don’t tell. At Phoenix Children’s Hospital though, there is NO OTHER PATIENT PARKING. None. Zip… well, except for handicapped. I looked and looked for a place to legally park and could not find anything that did not have either a handicapped sign or say “Reserved for Dr So-and-so”. So I parked in Dr So-and-so’s space and hoped that I didn’t get towed. What is a girl to do when there is NO OTHER PARKING?

Anyway, back to today. I couldn’t park in the Science center parking garage so I had to go across the street and park (for TEN dollars!) in the Civic Plaza garage. Whatever. We made it in on piece and got to take part in the field trip.

We used to be members of the Science Center, but now I remember why we are not any more. First they charge you either membership or entrance fee. No problem (except that it is super expensive!) but then they have taken up huge chunks of their floor and exhibit space for special features that you have to pay extra for. So even if you are a member you will have to fork over a whole ‘nother wad of cash to get access to the few exhibits that have not already been there for more than ten years. To me it sounds like a bit of a r-i-p o-f-f. Take floor space away from the membership paying public and put it all towards events that their membership doesn’t cover access to. I was actually thinking that we should renew our membership just the other day so that I could take Max there more often. We won’t be doing that. They took away the little children’s area to put in… you guessed it, a paid exhibit.

But the field trip itself was lovely. The kindergarteners had their sixth grade buddies with them (so Tessa really didn’t spend much time with me, but she wanted me there anyway) and they got to see an Imax movie as well. I kind of got to watch it, I saw the parts that I could see when Lily wasn’t grabbing the 3-D glasses off my face. Then we all went to the park for lunch. A bit of an adventure, but a lovely day nonetheless!

Teenagers and the Pope

As I am cleaning up the house tonight and steaming a little bit on the inside about how stubborn and rude one of my teenagers is, my eyes fall across our new picture of the pope. It occurs to me that he has to put up with a lot of people moaning and whining about the way things are done and what is whose job and so on.

Poor Guy, he definitely needs our prayers.

Random Thoughts on a Monday

After looking at the calendar this weekend I realized there are no free days left at all until after Easter. I need to find it somewhere inside of me to be super-organized.

Posy is one step ahead of me. I was looking at the giant piles of undone laundry last night while prepping the kids for bed. I told Posy to go and round up a uniform skirt (clean or dirty, it didn’t matter) for Tessa, because I knew that Ben had clean uniforms. She informed me that she had made sure there were skirts for Tessa when she put the clothes in the dryer. How many 13 year olds can think ahead like that even for themsleves let alone for someone else.

I made it to the first of four sessions of the parish mission today. Well, I kind of made it. I got there right on time if it was starting at 9:15. But it had started earlier. And it was in the Church instead of St Bridget’s Room like it usually is. SO it probably wasn’t appropriate for Max to be eating his cheez-its and drinking juice. Oh well, I’ll be better prepared tomorrow.

Lily had her first try at playing violin yesterday. She watched all through Tessa and Max’s lesson intently, so Dasha put the violin (Max’s 1/16th size) against her shoulder to see what her response would be. She immediately turned her head and sucked on it. Okay, so maybe she is not a prodigy. Yet.

We introduced Max to Star Wars. C3PO is now known as Seepah-wee-ah-doh. R2D2 is just plain R2D2.

I have dinner planned up to (but not including)Thursday and I even have all the groceries to make the stuff. Go me!

Because you want to be…

Saturday I had a chance to wander around a book store, something I hadn’t done in a while. While there a book caught my eye, and I had to get it. It summed up the problems with our money so well and at the same time so many other things. “You’re Broke Because You Want to Be…”

I haven’t finished it yet, but so far it is plain unadulterated common sense, stating that wanting to change is not enough to change. You have to get off your butt and take action. You (ahem, *I*) have to make the changes that start you on the road to what you want. My actions speak louder than my words about what I want, and if I say I want something and yet all my actions are working against that, then what do I really want? What do I really expect?

There are so many ways I need to apply this –

You are only ________ because you want to be:

Fat – wanting to be thin isn’t enough, wanting to change my eating habits and exercise won’t make me thin. Stopping junk food and getting off my butt might.

Broke – well that is what the book is about. If I want to get out of debt but don’t save money, then will I ever get out of debt?

Messy – there are so many jobs I ignore, put off, and let gnaw at my subconscious. What could I do about that?

A Yelling Parent – See all of the above, my frustration and lack of peace leads me to take out my feelings on those around me, my children and myself.

A Substandard Wife – see the Yelling Parent part.

Does it sound like I am getting down on myself? Maybe I am a little, but all I want is to be the kind of person that I would look up to. I think I am much closer to that than I was 10 or even five years ago. But that doesn’t mean I should stop working on myself to be a better person. I like me, most of the time anyway. I don’t know if this book was worth what I spent on it in full, but sometimes you just have to see the obvious in print in front of your own nose, at least I did. Hopefully I won’t forget it again too soon.

So here begins the journey (or continues one abandoned or procrastinated in the past) of connecting my actions to what I really want.