Do you ever have one of those moments when you realize HOW you are coming across to people? … And you realize that it isn’t pretty?
I had just such a moment yesterday. I had been running around crazy and stopped to talk to our priest at the soup supper. I hadn’t even managed to eat any soup myself, I was feeding the kids and trying to get then not to make a big mess, and besides there wasn’t any soup I liked. (So it was my own fault really.) He asked me how I was and I *sigh* and eek out a grin and say that I am surviving.
SURVIVING?
ACK. What a martyr.
Then I went back and read an email I wrote the other day. It was all the same. Gosh, you would never know that I am actually a pretty happy person. That my days have been improving as I s-l-o-w-l-y implement the FLY lady system. The last two days I have found myself with a block of time in the middle of the day where nothing is calling for me to do it right now. (!!!) This is very exciting! I have time to read and study the things I want to learn about. I have time to get my act together and anticipate a bit about what is coming up during the evening. I have time to roll around on the floor with the dogs and sit and talk to Paisley about nothing in particular, play a board game, play toys with Tessa.
Sure I have a long way to go as far as my house goes, but the point is that I am doing so much better than just surviving.
This attitude of mine is a long ingrained habit. I need to break it. It is so unattractive and tiring for others to have to listen to me yammer on about how hard my life is, especially when it is NOT. I have to remind myself, that there really is no other job I would like to be doing in the whole world. If I had my pick of EVERYTHING, I would pick this. Even when it is hard, and even when I don’t get any time to myself.
Wow. Am I lucky or WHAT?
A lot of things in my life are in a serious shake up right now. I think God is asking me to do some growing up and stop being such a baby. I need to be the grown up I want my kids to become.
Anyway… I just had to talk this out here. Saying it (writing it) just makes it more concrete for me.